|
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed
Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready
to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions
the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped
it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow
Tuesday."
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker,
a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a
job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained
in one building.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within
1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.
Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris
can change the laws of physics. With his fists.
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long,
as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill
a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have
a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.
Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the
nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were
incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your
ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.
Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse
kick from Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"
When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the
onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to
prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like
chicken.
Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.
Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.
Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.
# Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
# When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks
to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it
to Oregon before you.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front
yard.
When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."
Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.
One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three
bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth
to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.
Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will
beat his ass and take it.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
Chuck Norris can taste lies
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex
Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.
Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.
The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same
thing.
Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.
chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and
destroy.
To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.
MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the
solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just
a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked
inthe face by Chuck Norris.
The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't
black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself.
Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his
wrath.
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346
miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored
ice cream and Hot Pockets.
There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared
at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian
cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all
3 at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot --
and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every
character.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.
The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his
fists.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after
the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates
irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.
"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows
Chuck Norris.
The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and
a drywall trowel.
Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet
of Child" sandwich.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes
Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.
They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.
One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.
When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.
The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck
Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In
The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.
A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck
Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front
yard.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be
lucky if you make it out alive.
Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.
Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make
a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.
Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.
Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face.
And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.
For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.
There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails.
He asked for seconds.
Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.
Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.
The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.
Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.
If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck
Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.
Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.
He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.
Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination
of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.
Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
|
